98 thoughts literally EVERYONE had while watching Riverdale's flashback episode
9 November 2018, 21:00
"TEEN ALICE NEEDS HER OWN SPIN-OFF SHOW ASAP"
Riverdale aired it's long-awaited parent flashback episode this week (Nov 7) and you know what, when they said it was the best episode of the show so far, they weren't lyin'. The younger cast members managed to pull off pitch perfect performances as the teenage versions of their on-screen parents and Lili Reinhart and KJ Apa were so convincing as a young Alice and young Fred that I'm actually thinking about pressing charges for identity theft on behalf of Mädchen Amick and Luke Perry.
Who is the Gargoyle King on 'Riverdale' season 3?
If you've already seen the episode, then you'll have probably had the exact same thoughts and screamed the exact same things at your TV like I did. So, without further ado, let's all experience the episode again... through the power of CAPS LOCK and a lot of swearing. Ready?
1) Word on the street is that this is the best episode of Riverdale ever. I’LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT.
2) Narrator: she would, in fact, not be the judge of that.
3) If I took a shot every time someone said ‘Gryphons’ or ‘Gargoyles’, I would be on the way to hospital to have my stomach pumped within 5 minutes.
4) Who on earth is supplying the town with all these player manuals? Does the Gargoyle King have his own printing facility or something? A printing press across the border?
5) Hang on - someone with access to a printing press who loves chaos and corrupting teenagers?? What is the one business in Riverdale with the ability to print stuff on a large scale? The Register. Which means... HIRAM LODGE????
6) Any teenager worth their salt would have turned into a drinking game by now.
7) Wha— You mean to tell me these children are actually in a lesson? Learning things? In Riverdale? In school? At desks? With Shakespeare quotes on the chalkboard? I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.
8) “The game seems targeted at impressionable developing minds” This sure does sound like something a CULT would do to try and get people to join, doesn't it?
9) Hermione is banning it!? Finally someone in this town with some SENSE!
10) This is just like when everyone's Pokémon cards got confiscated in primary school. I never got mine back.
11) SUBTLE REMINDER THAT KEVIN THE STUDENT WILL ONLY BE TAKING CALLS AFTER HE'S DONE LEARNING IN SCHOOL BECAUSE HE IS LEARNING. IN SCHOOL. ALL DAY. TAKING CLASSES. LEARNING. LIKE A STUDENT. SHAKESPEARE.
12) Mama Lodge has seen some dark-sided shit I know it.
13) Veronica trying to make Fibes' 20 under 20 is the sub-plot I never knew I needed.
14) "16-year-old businesswoman opens mocktails-only underground Speakeasy for teens in small US town and earns $300m in two months."
15) Also FIBES instead of FORBES?! Spiffany’s and American Excess are shaking.
16) Oh! Lil Ms Nancy Drew isn't messing around, is she? She stepped right up to Mama Coop, slammed those receipts down and demanded to know the truth. SPILL THAT OOLONG TEA, MOM!
17) New Alice is really easy to break, isn't she? Quick, Betty, ask for $500 in cash and a new car. I bet she'll say yes.
18) OK EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP THE FLASHBACK IS STARTING.
19) 🚨 WINONA RYDER REFERENCE 🚨
20) WHERE DID TEEN ALICE GET THAT OUTFIT FROM? I NEED IT.
21) Wow, Alice Smith take your foot off my neck challenge.
22) "What up, I’m Alice, I'm 16, I'm pregnant and I've got no friends... but you know what, AT LEAST MY HAIR LOOKS BOMB AF!"
23) Wait... I'm--- Lili is way too good at channelling Alice. Who gave her the right? I don't remember signing this permission slip?!
24) Ohhhh, so she’s been banging FP for a hot minute, huh? Ok. Yes. I want THIS show instead. Can we have this every week? I already need more.
25) So what you're saying is: Hermione and Sierra knew that Alice and FP had a baby together and they didn't tell anyone?? Where can I get friends like that?
26) “Were you born with that mouth or was it something Southside mothers teach their bastard babies?” P E N E L O P E!!! 😵
27) GIVE TEEN ALICE HER OWN SPIN-OFF SHOW, YOU COWARDS!
28) *chants to myself* Streak! Streak! Streak! Streak!
29) YO! SHIRTLESS CHARLES MELTON IN THOSE YELLOW SHADES, LEMME TALK TO YOU.
30) Cole mimicking that stance that Skeet did when we first saw him as FP Jones? I’M FEELING VERY ATTACKED.
31) Listen, I'm seconds away from filing a class action about how good KJ Apa is at impersonating Luke Perry.
32) Question: Are Saturday detentions actually a thing? Are they still a thing? Like, has anyone actually been to Saturday detention? Am I missing out? They always look really fun. Should I go to one?
33) OMG THE OPENING CREDITS. SAVED BY THE BELL REALNESS!!!!
34) You know what, this Breakfast Club tribute would have been cuter if you had bothered to include Mary Andrews.
35) Imagine going to all that effort and not including Claire fucking Standish. IMAGINE!
36) OOooOoOOOOOohhhhh, that Falice eye contact. I felt that through my screen.
37) Soooooooooo, when do we get a present day version of that make out scene, huh?
38) Get me Mädchen and Skeet on the landline, I need to talk to them about… something.
39) "I was as tough as nails, but around FP? Silly putty." Same, Alice. Literally same.
40) "Even in detention with a secret growing inside me, I hated him but I wanted him." BREAKING NEWS: I've been found dead. The rest of this article will be written from beyond the grave.
41) Right, so at this point, Betty is aware that she shares a brother with her boyfriend? And she doesn't seem to care? Like, literally not even batting an eye lid? GOOD. SHE'S COOL WITH IT. CARRY ON, FALICE. RECLAIM YOUR TIME!
42) Wait... does Jughead know? Shhh, don't tell him. He'll ruin it.
43) A 1000 word essay? I'll give 1000 words right now on why young Mary Andrews should have been INCLUDED IN THIS FUCKING EPISODE.
44) SIERRA AND TOM!!! MY SECOND THIRD FOURTH? THIRD FAVOURITE COUPLE.
45) Get urself a man who will come all the way to school on a Saturday to bring you fast food while you’re stuck in detention.
46) They've all known each other since KINDERGARTEN?! WHAT? THERE’S NO WAY. HOW HAVE THEY NEVER SPOKEN?
47) Do we need a flashback of the parent's parents? How far back does this town's drama go?!
48) 🚨 ANOTHER WINONA REFERENCE!! 🚨
49) “HE’S A SELF STARTER WHO PROVIDES FOR HIS FAMILY.” Is "self starter" code for master manipulator and scam artist, Hermione?
50) Fred Andrews never wanting to leave Riverdale? Still checks out.
51) “Could even see myself running for mayor one day…” Fuck you Hiram and fuck you Hermione for ruining my boy Fred's dreams.
52) Was that... some subtle Archie Andrews shade I just detected. I’m cackling.
53) Yes Alice, please tell us about the time you lit a dumpster on fire on the Southside. And about the time you stole the school bus. And about the time you got arrested.
54) “You’re gonna end up just like your dad. Downing six packs in your double wide.” That fucking hurt, Alice. Take it back.
55) FP was beaten as a kid? Come here Forsythe, lemme hold you baby.
56) PENELOPE WAS ADOPTED AND GROOMED? WHAT? OMG. POOR THING.
57) WAIT. STOP. NO. I WON’T BE CORNERED INTO FEELING SORRY FOR PENELOPE. I WON’T. STOP IT.
58) Wait… if this is a *thing* that the Blossoms do… does that mean Cheryl could be adopted?! Is that why her parents hate her so much? NANA ROSE IS A FUCKING BITCH!
59) FP, put that game down now. (He’s not putting it down.)
60) PUT IT THE FUCK DOWN, FORSYTHE.
61) “I’ve always wanted to be free of moral reasoning” GOOD NEWS PAST HERMIONE! IN ABOUT 20 YEARS, YOU WILL BE XOXO.
62) Penelope is such a shady bitch for doing those pairings. She knew full well that Fred and Hermione wanted to pair off and have a cute lil' PG-13 make out session.
63) Wait, did she do that one purpose so she could be alone with Sierra? Cheryl and Josie part 2? What is happening?
64) Wowwwwwwwwwwww, this chemistry between FP and Hermione. *fans self*
65) I need this present day Fred and Alice friendship more than I need air.
66) I NEVER WANNA HEAR ANOTHER BAD WORD ABOUT ALICE COOPER SMITH AGAIN. YOU LEAVE HER ALONE, SHE'S HAD A HARD LIFE.
67) “Nothing serious.” 😪 “Just messing around.” 😪 “It could be more.” 😩
68) Hermione Lodge: Riverdale’s #1 Falice shipper. Out here doing the Lord's work. Making it happen since '92. (Wait, what year is this by the way?)
69) Betty's face just then was literally my reaction to hearing about Fred and Alice's hook up.
70) You know, I've predicted a lot of things correctly about this show in the past but never would I have predicted that the Hot Parents of Riverdale™ were all straight up nerds.
71) YOUNG HIRAM ALERT!!!!!! LOOK AT MICHAEL CONSUELOS!!!!! HE LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE HIS DADDDDDDDDD!!!!!!
72) Daryl Doiley? Dilton's dad... Ohhh, I bet he's so pressed that his son died playing this stupid game.
73) The restriction section of the library? WHY DO SO MANY FICTIONAL SCHOOLS HAVE RESTRICTED SECTIONS IN THE LIBRARY?! I HAVE NEVER SEEN A RESTRICTED SECTION IN MY LIFE.
74) I’m sorry but if someone left an anonymous note in my locker, you would NOT catch me at that fucking party.
75) FIZZLE ROCKS?! GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.
76) I'm sorry but I'm gonna say it: KJ Apa's lip syncing is terrible. Sashay away.
77) Please project this gif of Penelope Blossom and Marty Mantle dancing on my gravestone. Thank you.
78) WHO WROTE ON THE WALLS? WAIT - IS THAT RED LIPSTICK? WASN’T SIERRA WRITING ON THE WALLS IN RED LIPSTICK EARLIER? Oooooohmygod.
79) ALICE, DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH THAT CUP.
80) OH GOOD IT'S THE GARGOYLE KING. Ok, so it's totally someone in the school, right? My money is on Dilton's dad. He's far too familiar with this game.
81) Alice really could have ended this whole thing and she just... ran away? Smh.
82) Ohhhh man... not Fred's dad. My radiant knight didn't deserve this. Take me instead, Riverdale gods. Please.
83) Penelope absolutely had something to do with this mess. She is acting TOO defensive. SHE KNOWS SOMETHING.
84) Wait, why did the Principal drink the chalice?! WHAT? IS HE THAT DUMB?
85) OMG WHY IS EVERYONE BEING SHITTY TO ALICE?
86) Sorry, Daryl is being too sus. I bet it’s him.
87) Oh no. Spit handshakes? Absolutely not. That's the worse thing this show has ever done.
88) Tom and Sierra having to break up is literally worse than any break up I've ever been through.
89) Alice left the Serpents as FP joined. Oh, now I’m really in my feelings. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
90) HAL COOPER, GET AWAY FROM ME.
91) I honestly thought the reason why they all stopped talking would be much more dramatic than this, you know.
92) This episode has done nothing to help me understand what the fuck is going on in the present day.
93) BETTY LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER PLEASE. FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.
94) “In the end, it’s just death,” - the tag line for almost every episode of this god damn show.
95) Why did a bunch of initials carved into a window sill just reduce me to tears?
96) Oh god. J U G H E A D. Is he being serious? JUGHEAD NO.
97) WAIT 'TIL YOUR FATHER HEARS ABOUT THIS!!!
98) Soooooooo... Roberto......... when's the next flashback episode?
