69 Things You SCREAMED At The TV While Watching 'Riverdale: Carrie The Musical' Episode

19 April 2018, 13:29

By Woodrow Whyte

Archie's dancing is...interesting.

It was the Riverdale episode we've all been waiting for. The long-promised musical special combined with the return of the Black Hood. And it did not disappoint (except if you're a Falice shipper, which we will come on to...)

The episode had it all. Singing, dancing, murdering and flares. We honestly couldn't have asked for more. We are even living for Archie's bad dancing (which was totally intentional, right KJ?). Here's some thoughts we had that probably crossed your minds too.

1. So THAT’S how Jughead got out of the singing by being the videographer. Very smart.

2. It took approximately 5 seconds for Archie to be topless. Iconic.

3. Choni, our no.2 ship, back together again serving cheerleader realness. We stan.

4. Is that Carly Rae Jepsen? Oh no, it’s Midge. Looking good girl!

5. Fred, do you honestly have nothing better do to than build a set for the school musical? Ya’ll need to be chasing the dollar or campaigning to be mayor. Where’s Mary to talk some sense into this man?

6. Ummm, Archie sounds... interesting on this number. We’re going to put this down to pre-show nerves.

7. OMG Kevin has pipes! We need a one man show, like, now.

8. As we all know, the most important part of any musical is the chairography. Honestly, we think they did pretty well on this one.

9. WHO IS SHE?!?! Oh, it’s Fangs. Haven’t seen you in a while.

10. ALICE WITH THE GOOD SUNGLASSES AND THE GOOD HAIR YESSS!!

11. Omg Betty’s face, we’re crying! Do you think she’s sweating that her mum might show her up? Cos you know that’s exactly what’s about to happen.

12. Chuck is back too? I thought he died in the jacuzzi.

13. Wait, so Chuck, Fangs and Midge are all back. It’s got to be one of them who dies, right? Tbh I don’t care who it is so long as it’s not Alice.

14. Betty reading Veronica to filth is my new 2018 mood

15. Yes Cheryl! You’ve been through some real shit, we believe in you! Sing until your lungs give out! Tell them hoes who the real Carrie is bitch!

16. Oh ffs! Please don’t let the tonight’s ‘dramatic death’ be via a sandbag. We’ve waiting too long for the Black Hood’s return to have that as the dramatic twist.

17. Has anyone else wondered how the Black Hood has the time to cut out all the individual letters from magazines to make these threatening letters? It must take ages. Just use a printer hun.

18. Ok, another song is on. Firstly, we are living for Betty’s 70s style curls and Archie’s gratuitous crotch shot.

19. OH MY GOD ARCHIE’S DANCING!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHSKJFXJHKSDJKDKJDSKSJD

20. Ngl we’re LIVING for the hands-slapping-the-hips move.

21. Still gagging over Archie’s dancing.

22. If I have to watch one more scene of Veronica and Archie making out I will write to the Black Hood and ask him to take out those two first.

23. Ethel, hun, I love you, but you can’t keep a secret to save your life. You look guilty as sin.

24. Ah, we’re finally at the good shit. Falice are here, nothing can go wrong…

25. “What's happening handsome” *dies*

26. Alice is coming on strong tonight! Yes hun get that Serpent where you want him!

27. Ummm FP, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you denying yourself some hot Alice loving? Are you feeling unwell?

28. What the actual fuck. Alice, you deserve better sweetie.

29. “Better to screw than get screwed” AMEN TO THAT VERONICA.

30. I honestly think we should just ditch skinny jeans altogether and wear high-waisted flares from now until death.

31. BETTY IS SUCH A SAVAGE I LOVE IT!!!

32. Is Jughead filming the making of Carrie or recording a really budget version of CSI?

33. OK, Archie sounds A LOT better on ‘You Shine’. Thank god. The dancing still needs a little (read: a lot) of work though.

34. [Betty & Veronica make up] I can’t lie. I think I preferred Betty when she was a bitch.

35. Here she is, Hiram Lodge, turning up trying to ruin everybody’s day. Can’t she just give it a break? Go get a spa treatment or something hun. That will cheer you up.

36. Oh Alice, we don’t miss Chic, but we hate to see you upset.

37. “I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO THESPIAN TERRORISM” – this has to be Cheryl’s most iconic line to date.

38. Excuse my French but Penelope is a real dickhead.

39. Is Fangs gay? I will stan if so.

40. Carly Rae Jepsen was the understudy? Good for her! We approve of this decision. Sorry Ethel.

41. [Alice gets emotional onstage] Alice, why do you have to fuck me up like that? I am in BITS.

42. WHAT IS THE UNSPOKEN THING!?! SPILL THE TEA HENNY.

43. I’m just going to say it: Jughead is a terrible videographer. They should have got a professional in.

44. Archie has finally seen the light about Hiram…one whole season of Riverdale too late. *slow clap*

45. Hal, step the fuck away from Alice and leave us in peace.

46. Ok, now I’m mad.

47. I AM DISGUSTED IN BETTY, THE WRITERS, AND EVERYONE WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. YOU’RE ALL CANCELLED

48. Alice, What about FP? What about Falice? What about this future we were building together?

49. MY EYES ARE LEGIT BURNING AT THE SIGHT OF ALICE AND HAL TOGETHER AGAIN.

50. "Hi, 911? Yes, I would like to report a robbery. The writers of Riverdale just stole Falice from me and I’m going to need it back RIGHT NOW.

51. [see’s the new car Archie bought for Fred] Awww, Archie is a good boy, really. Deep down. Like, really deep down. So deep down that you can’t actually see it without a microscope.

52. [backstage before the show] Alice’s curls are nice but not nice enough for me to forgive her.

53. Jesus Christ. Archie’s dancing really is terrible.

54. [Cheryl, covered in blood, threatening Penelope] That was legit terrifying.

55. I am going to refer to all my enemies as “pig people" from now on.

56. Why is the Sheriff backstage?

57. [Kevin walks in on Fangs and Midge] I guess Fangs isn’t gay then? Moose is gonna be PISSED.

58. Yep, Moose is pissed.

59. What the hell is Chic doing here?!?

60. Oh, he was invited. Lol

61. Alice is serving Kate Bush realness with a side of Miss Havisham. It’s a good look but still not enough for forgiveness.

62. [sees Midge’s dead body impaled against the set] WHAT THE FUCKJJJSEIJDBFHDSJKHFKUSHDSF!!!Jhehzhcz

63. Jughead: “I don’t think that’s part of the show?” NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

64. Oh my god! Carly Rae Jepsen is dead! What the hell!

65. RUN BITCHES RUN!!!

66. Why is Chic just sitting there calmly? Did he just...

67. I think…I think I’m actually gagged.

68. At least Carly Rae Jepsen can spend more time working on her album now she doesn’t need to be on the set of Riverdale.

69. I’m gonna need a nap after all of that.